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Post by bod on Apr 3, 2007 17:07:47 GMT 1
Knock Knock
Who's there
Isobel
Isobel who
Isobel really necessary on a bike
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Post by Admin Mal on Apr 3, 2007 17:26:34 GMT 1
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales <or is it Shetland? >, walks into a small village and decides he'll have a little fun. Aussie: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak with him?" Farmer: "Don't be stupid, the dog doesn't talk" Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." The farmer is astonished. Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" Dog: "Yep" Aussie: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The farmer's mouth falls open in utter disbelief. Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think." Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Now the farmer is absolutely dumbfounded. Aussie: "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep" Aussie: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Farmer staggers back in amazement. Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Farmer: "The sheep's a liar."
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Post by benjiesmum on Apr 4, 2007 8:21:35 GMT 1
Oh, I love the guinea pig report. Good on him. "That's ma boy!" Here's one I saw last year at a Poultry sale on a pen of Khaki Campbells: "For sale, Car key Campbell ducklings!" Oh dear.
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Post by MG on Apr 4, 2007 9:37:50 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D Q. What do you get if you cross a fruit with a Welshman? A. A taffy apple.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? A. About half way.
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well, I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual, I'll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally, the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove miles and miles to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: "It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy"!!!!!
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Post by bod on Apr 4, 2007 20:40:10 GMT 1
Mick and Paddy where flying in a small plane, Mick said to Paddy, "Do you think if we turn upside down we'll fall out?" "Oh no" said Paddy "We've been best mates for years"
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Post by MG on Apr 5, 2007 8:39:07 GMT 1
A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. A sign beside the guy read, Victim of Falklands War." "Bloody disgraceful, what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, senor."
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Post by MG on Apr 5, 2007 8:40:13 GMT 1
A woman gets on bus and immediately becomes involved in an argument with driver after he calls her baby ugly, she pays her fare and storms off to get a seat when a man asks "What's the matter, love?" "It's that bloody driver, I've never been so insulted in all my life" she replies. "Ok" says the man "You go down there and sort him out and I'll look after the monkey!".
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Post by MG on Apr 5, 2007 8:49:55 GMT 1
A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 measures of his finest malt whisky. When the bartender has poured the drinks the guy downs them as fast as possible. The bartender says "wow I've never seen anyone drink that fast before" and the guy says "You would to if you had what I had" and the bartender says "What is it you have?" And the guy says "50 pence" and bolts out of the bar.
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Post by MG on Apr 7, 2007 8:09:32 GMT 1
The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a very small man.
"Oh no!" he groaned. "Not snake and pygmy pie again."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by bod on Apr 7, 2007 18:00:44 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle. Shine a torch in her ears.
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Post by bod on Apr 8, 2007 9:59:02 GMT 1
Trouble at t'Mill "Wots up" asked Joe. "It`s that there gaffer, he gets right on mi withers." "Pay him no heed, do like I do, an' tell him ter get lost." A bit later in the day. "Well thas a right mate. I did like tha ses and he gave me the sack." "Oh, yer not supposed to let him hear yer."
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Post by bod on Apr 8, 2007 10:09:05 GMT 1
Tha can allus tel a Yorkshireman, but tha can't tell him much...
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Post by bod on Apr 8, 2007 10:19:21 GMT 1
Mate in Canal Auld fella walking alongside canal and sees a nine-year old lad fair crying his eyes out. "Wot's tha cryin' fer, young un?" Through sniffles and bawling, little lad manages to say "A've loss me mate. Me mate fell in t'canal" and point about tree feet in front of him. "By 'eck" says fella and without further ado, strips off his jacket and shoes then jumps into the canal. After few minutes he splashed to side and says, "'Ow old was tha mate?" By this time, lad had stopped howling and watched the auld fella fair dumbstruck. "Wot's that mean, 'ow old?" "Thy mate" said fella, "'ow old were 'e? Wor 'e a big lad?" Little lad scowled at the old man, "Nah! Tha daft bat. Not me mate - me mate outa me saniches
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Post by MG on Apr 8, 2007 10:56:02 GMT 1
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Post by benjiesmum on Apr 8, 2007 11:37:41 GMT 1
Oh I see - "........the meat out of my sandwiches". This Yorkshire dialect is summat like difficult to keen sometimes!
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