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Post by MG on Jan 27, 2007 10:10:47 GMT 1
An anither ane.....................
There's this guy whose been marooned on a desert island for 15 years. One day,he is leaning against a palm tree and spots splashing out to sea. The splashing gets nearer and nearer until eventually a voluptuous woman wearing a wet suit comes out of the surf. " Hello" she says "How long have you been here?" "15 years" replies the guy Woman " Well, when did you last have a cigarette? Guy "15 years" At which, she unzips her top left hand pocket and produces a packet of cigs and a lighter. After he has puffed himself stupid she asks "When did you last have a drink?" "15 years" he replies At which, she unzips her top right hand pocket and produces a flask of 25 year old malt whisky. As he is gulping deeply she starts to slowly unzip her wet suit from the top and asks "I bet you haven't played around for 15 years either?" He exclaims "Flaming 'eck you haven't got a set of golf clubs in there as well?"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by benjiesmum on Jan 28, 2007 7:57:16 GMT 1
Mornin' George. Like your selection of money jokes. Here's mine: What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty. Te he!!! ;D ;D and.... Three animals were in Da Magnie's Rest. They were sitting at the bar when Alky came up to them and asked them to pay for their drinks. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking into that!" (He was an American duck - tourist) "Well, I thought George was paying. "I've spent my last buck!" said the deer. (He was American too) Then, duck, you'll have to pay!" said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent." ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by hengit on Jan 28, 2007 9:03:24 GMT 1
Adding to benjiesmum's joke:
"Excuses, excuses!, said another baa-a man, who happened to be a sheep.
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Post by MG on Jan 28, 2007 9:14:27 GMT 1
Q: Why do 50ps have straight sides? A: So you can use a spanner to get them oot of George's hauns! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by MG on Jan 28, 2007 10:36:01 GMT 1
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Post by MG on Jan 28, 2007 20:08:41 GMT 1
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Post by heimdal on Jan 29, 2007 23:20:19 GMT 1
How to wash the cat
1 Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. ( You may need to stand on the lid). 4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse." 6. Have someone open the door to the outside. ( Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door) 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!
Always here to give! you the best of tested advice in difficult times...
Sincerely, The Dog
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Post by benjiesmum on Jan 30, 2007 17:34:55 GMT 1
I need to try Heimdal's washing instructions for my cat. I think he is smelling extra fragrant tonight having been in the sheep field rolling in......................................very good instructions. Will follow them to the letter.
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Post by benjiesmum on Jan 30, 2007 20:54:23 GMT 1
Groan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
Another man went to the doctor:
"Doctor, doctor, how can I stop my nose from running?"
"Stick your foot out and trip it up!"
And another man - at a different doctor's:
"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together, man!"
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Post by MG on Jan 31, 2007 10:47:24 GMT 1
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Post by Pat on Feb 1, 2007 14:26:06 GMT 1
Three owld Shetland guys are oot walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't hit?"
Second one says, "Na, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go an get a beer at da Magnie's." ;D
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Post by crofter on Feb 7, 2007 15:47:59 GMT 1
An aald crofter was milking his coo. He was just getting started when a bluebottle flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bluebottle flew into the coo’s lug. The aald crofter didn't think much about it, until the bluebottle squirted oot intae his bucket.
It went in one lug an oot the udder. ;D
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Post by maree on Feb 10, 2007 0:01:16 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D ;D I'm always amazed with the speed at which these topical jokes appear. .........on the subject of Shilpa, no matter what her race is, be she brown, pink, yellow or green, she just has one of those faces I would never tyre of skelpin
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Post by heimdal on Feb 10, 2007 1:11:52 GMT 1
Yep, remember 'Candles in the wind', (Diana) quickly followed by 'Sandles in the bin' (Mother Theresa). Terrible
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Post by georgeg on Feb 10, 2007 10:24:12 GMT 1
Serves her right for being such a dopiaza
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