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Post by crofter on Feb 27, 2007 19:26:48 GMT 1
Why did the monster eat a light bulb? Because he was in need of a light snack ;D
One for the poultry section:
What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist. ;D
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Post by benjiesmum on Feb 27, 2007 22:25:24 GMT 1
david.. do what you think you would be happiest at...it's no good going into a job which you dont like, you would only regret it.......... Very true, George, very true!!
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Post by crofter on Mar 1, 2007 19:08:31 GMT 1
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Post by crofter on Mar 1, 2007 19:47:19 GMT 1
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Post by crofter on Mar 1, 2007 19:48:37 GMT 1
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Post by crofter on Mar 5, 2007 22:30:08 GMT 1
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Post by Admin Mal on Mar 5, 2007 23:27:32 GMT 1
Good jokes and pics!! ;D ;D Like yer avatar, crofter - very cool!
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Post by Pat on Mar 6, 2007 9:44:08 GMT 1
A pirate (looked kinda familiar this bloke) walked into the Magnie’s Rest and the twin bartenders said in tandem, "Hi, hivna seen you in a while. Whit happened?" "What di ya mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine. Ah'm just back affae holiday." "Whit aboot the wooden leg? You didna hiv that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but Ah'm fine noo." "Weel, OK, but whit aboot that hook? Whit happened tae yer hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "Whit aboot that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up thinkin aboot takin a photie and one of them pooped in my eye." "Du’s jokin," said the twin bartenders, "you canna lose an eye just from bird poop." "It was my first day with the hook!!" ;D ;D
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Post by heimdal on Mar 7, 2007 0:21:40 GMT 1
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
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Post by allen on Mar 9, 2007 13:26:30 GMT 1
Twa academics wir haeing an argument in da bar o nort boat ee night. Een hed been researching Shetland Place Names and ad idder een hid been researching da Shetland Dialect. Da first een says " Do you know what the word oy means in the Shetland Dialect?" Da second een says " I'm sure oy has to do with relationship or kin". Da first een says " My research shows that oy derives from belonging to a place or tribe in the metaphysical sense" Da second een says " You cannot be right for In the Shetland Dictionary it defines an oy as a specific relationship, that is one's nephew. Da argument is getting mair heated noo an da first een is getting tirn " That l may be the case but on oy Jackobsen… Just we dat sam da wife sittin ahint dem hase herad enough " I'll tell you whit oy is" shu says " Oy is da first letter in da alphabet on Whalsa!"
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Post by MG on Mar 24, 2007 9:42:29 GMT 1
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Post by allen on Mar 24, 2007 10:22:16 GMT 1
Talk aboot having a bad day reminds me..
I used to live in Portadown Northern Ireland. Ee Monday morning as I was setting aff fur me wark I saw a pall of smoke hanging over wan o da hoosing estates an fire engines heeding in dat direction we da lights flashing etc. (dis was not dat unusual in N I at dat time).
Dat night whn I wan hem da local news wis on TV an you could see dat da newsreader cood hardly keep a straight face when he telt whit hed caused da fire dat moarning….
A family dat bed in an end terrace hoose hed a barbecue in dir garden da evening afore. Hit wis wan o you disposable type barbecues dat you buy fae garage shops in da lek. Whin dey hed feenished dey dumped da remains an da ess in da wheely bin. Da wheely bin stuid nixt tae dir central heating oil tank. Da wheely bin took low in da early moarning and set fire tae da oil tank. Da oil tank wis at da idder side o da garden fence fae da neebers oil tank an hit took low .. an sae on. Da upshot wis dat da terrace row o four hooses wis burned oot… fortunately aabody got oot o da hooses an naebody wis hurt.
No funny fur da folk involved bit I suppose da moral o da story is dunna pit ess in da wheely bin (not dat we hae dem here yet).
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Post by bod on Apr 1, 2007 19:45:49 GMT 1
Good one George, the Doctor ones always go down well. ;D ;D ;D
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman asks the man what he calls it. "Tiny" replies the man. "Why's that" asks the barman. "Because he's my newt!"
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Post by allen on Apr 2, 2007 20:26:15 GMT 1
an e-mail dat's doing da roonds eenoo an lifted fae my mailbox - no dat pc nooadays bit dere you go As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased their alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose". Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help". The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666. The Australians thought about doing something but have decided that their security level of "She'll be right mate" is enough
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Post by bod on Apr 3, 2007 16:21:11 GMT 1
Why was the baby ant so confused - Because all of his uncles were ants.
What goes oh, oh, oh. Santa walking backwards.
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